My daily commute on the bus has started to become a running dialogue in my head. Most of the time i like to pretend i’m telling people off for the disgusting things they do on the bus. I realize that many of you are unable to afford a vehicle, and instead take transit Tom, HOWEVER, please be a little considerate when riding public transportation. If all else fails please consult this handy list.

1. If you shit yourself, please get off the bus immediately. You’d think this one would be a no-brainer, yet more than once i have watched as 35 people crammed to the front of the bus because one person in the back had crapped his pants. Now i understand that some people may have had an “accident” or they are disabled etc. What i am talking about here is people who are not mentally challenged or disabled in any way other than being too fucked up and shitting themselves on the bus.

2. Loud mouthy people. Yeah, i know you. I’m the one giving you the stare down to Shut the fuck up about whatever recent “ass kicking” you gave. I get it. You think you’re tough, and to prove it you are going to regale to your Bro (and everyone else on the bus) with a fascinating story of how you “kicked his fuckin ass man,” using such illustrative words like; “bro, holy, motherfucker, bitch-ass, stomped and yeah man” to describe how intelligent and articulate you are. If it wasn’t illegal to hit a minor i’d like to come over there and punch you in the face.

3. Paranoid Old Ladies. I just want to sit down, i will not steal your purse (probably has a change purse with 900 pennies in it anyway) I won’t give you cooties, and if you don’t want people brushing up against your Fur coat when they walk down the isles then Get the Hell off the Bus!

4. People who stink. I’m not talking about a little B.O on your way home from work. I mean the people who just sniffed a whole can of paint and came on the bus reeking like solvent. Last time this happened to me the bus was totally full and people were literally gagging. I had to get off the bus to catch another one because i couldn’t breathe. What’s wrong with this picture? Shouldn’t they have to get off the fucking bus? Also, people who smell weird. Like smells i can’t even identify. Then i sit there smelling it (while trying not to) yet continuously doing it because i want to figure out what that stench is.

5. People with strollers. I officially HATE you people. I’m only 31 but when my son was a baby we had to *GASP* fold our strollers up and HOLD our kids on the bus. OMG the humanity of it all!. Now i understand the cases where a single parent is doing a lot of shopping (groceries) and you need to use the big stroller. But most of the time these people use the big strollers for everything. No more Umbrollers, which fold up to the size a little bigger than an umbrella. No, the women I’m talking about get on the bus with the biggest fucking strollers known to man, lift up the priority seat (place the stroller there) and then take up another seat to sit down in. Let’s see….that’s 5 seats given up for one stroller and one lady. No groceries present, just a starbucks teetering precariously on top of the stroller hood.And what’s even better is when she brings her friend who also has a stroller. YAY, now 10 people are out of a place to sit, while 2 adults and 2 babies take up the extra seats. Fantastic. Here’s a tip; Baby Mommas, stop being so fucking lazy and selfish and figure out how to use a smaller stroller for shopping, then fold it up and sit your kid on your lap so the other 4 of us can sit down!

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